It's been a while since I posted anything, because I am not a dedicated blogger. My life isn't eventful enough to be interesting, and my thoughts are not profound or coherent enough to justify putting them all down. But when I do write, it makes me happy so I will do it when I am in the mood.
I got a job, working at El Azteco. I cook 2 days a week and buss 1 day. Today, on my second day bussing, I did it all by myself for a few hours! It's hard, and the pay isn't great, but I am happy to be employed.
It definitely makes me appreciate getting an education, because I don't understand how people can go their whole lives working in an environment like that and at those wages. I don't mind it now, but that's because I don't have to pay rent or bills or anything.
Lately I've been struggling with the things that I usually struggle with, confidence issues, trust issues, parent issues and school issues.
I'll start off with parent issues. This coming Thursday I may have to come to court and testify so that my mom will no longer have custody. I haven't lived with her in over a year anyway, it's getting ridiculous. I absolutely abhor going to court, more so when I have to get up in front of my mum and testify. It makes me feel sick, but I know I have to do it. Ugh, I shouldn't write about this. It just makes me want to make unintelligible angry noises.
I hate being a teenager. I hope my issues will magically disappear when I leave my teens. It could happen... I guess it's normal to have body issues at my age, so that's really no big deal. It's less common to be as painfully shy and self conscious as I am, but it doesn't effect me drastically, and is not important. My main issues are with other people, or rather, how I relate to other people. Namely, that I don't relate to other people. I've gotten to a point (well, actually I got to this point about 2 years ago) where I am so untrusting, that I don't want to let people get remotely close to me because it makes me vulnerable. It sucks, because I do want to connect with people, but I just end up pushing people away. I will get over this, but for now I can be frustrated.
As far as school goes.. I am an awful student. I love to learn, but I hate to study. I got dropped from my math class, and I'm going to go tomorrow and see if I can get undroppped. I'm doing just okay in chemistry, I need to do better. Art is great, I love my teacher. The fitness class is... boring. I'm afraid that I'm not cut out for it, that I don't have the mental capabilities or dedication to get the education and pursue the career that I want. I want to be an engineer, but I don't know if I can see myself taking that path. Part of me wants to drop everything and just bum across the country, and have a good time. But of course, that's bad for my future..
Today I thought about life, and about love, and about what really matters. I have come to the conclusion that if you spend your life looking for love, then many more things will pass you by. You need to take in everything, and make all the connections - both good and bad, to fully appreciate it. If you're lucky, you'll end up with someone who you can relate too on a deep level. and who you can grow old with. But that is just one part of life, there are so many things to do, and to experience. I think that we have been conditioned to place far too much value on 'true love'. Life is about connections, make them, break them, because in the end the connections you have are your life.
Talk Hard
I got a job, working at El Azteco. I cook 2 days a week and buss 1 day. Today, on my second day bussing, I did it all by myself for a few hours! It's hard, and the pay isn't great, but I am happy to be employed.
It definitely makes me appreciate getting an education, because I don't understand how people can go their whole lives working in an environment like that and at those wages. I don't mind it now, but that's because I don't have to pay rent or bills or anything.
Lately I've been struggling with the things that I usually struggle with, confidence issues, trust issues, parent issues and school issues.
I'll start off with parent issues. This coming Thursday I may have to come to court and testify so that my mom will no longer have custody. I haven't lived with her in over a year anyway, it's getting ridiculous. I absolutely abhor going to court, more so when I have to get up in front of my mum and testify. It makes me feel sick, but I know I have to do it. Ugh, I shouldn't write about this. It just makes me want to make unintelligible angry noises.
I hate being a teenager. I hope my issues will magically disappear when I leave my teens. It could happen... I guess it's normal to have body issues at my age, so that's really no big deal. It's less common to be as painfully shy and self conscious as I am, but it doesn't effect me drastically, and is not important. My main issues are with other people, or rather, how I relate to other people. Namely, that I don't relate to other people. I've gotten to a point (well, actually I got to this point about 2 years ago) where I am so untrusting, that I don't want to let people get remotely close to me because it makes me vulnerable. It sucks, because I do want to connect with people, but I just end up pushing people away. I will get over this, but for now I can be frustrated.
As far as school goes.. I am an awful student. I love to learn, but I hate to study. I got dropped from my math class, and I'm going to go tomorrow and see if I can get undroppped. I'm doing just okay in chemistry, I need to do better. Art is great, I love my teacher. The fitness class is... boring. I'm afraid that I'm not cut out for it, that I don't have the mental capabilities or dedication to get the education and pursue the career that I want. I want to be an engineer, but I don't know if I can see myself taking that path. Part of me wants to drop everything and just bum across the country, and have a good time. But of course, that's bad for my future..
Today I thought about life, and about love, and about what really matters. I have come to the conclusion that if you spend your life looking for love, then many more things will pass you by. You need to take in everything, and make all the connections - both good and bad, to fully appreciate it. If you're lucky, you'll end up with someone who you can relate too on a deep level. and who you can grow old with. But that is just one part of life, there are so many things to do, and to experience. I think that we have been conditioned to place far too much value on 'true love'. Life is about connections, make them, break them, because in the end the connections you have are your life.
Talk Hard
