An entry I never finished

I tried to write a bog entry in November, but I never got around to finishing it.
The part I did manage to write read
"I want so desperately to be able to form my thoughts and feeling into words, but often enough I do not have the words to be able to accurately describe them. I am not good at keeping journals, or at blogging, simply because I usually do not consider my thoughts relevant enough to be worth keeping.
I have realized that my thoughts are relevant, no matter how trivial they may seem, because how I express my thoughts is really the only way people are going to have any idea of what is going on in my mind.
Like most people, I have lots of feelings, usually very conflicting and confusing. I just happen to be better at hiding them from other people.
Recently I have been reevaluating my life. I know that I need to change something, I am just not sure what. I know that I want to move, because in my current situation I still feel like I am living with my parents, which is not something I want. As far as school goes, I've realized that I really should stop worrying about it, because I am only 16 years old. I should still be in high school, and I have time to decide what I want to do with my life and to get in the habit of being a good student.
The most pressing issue in my life is my human relationships and interactions. I have always chosen the people I let get close to me carefully, but recently I am thinking that my judgment has slipped. I want to start anew, I am trying to expand my social circle and befriend people who will potentially"

After reading this, I remember the mood I was in when I wrote it, and I remember the things that were going on in my life. I don't remember where I was going with it though.. I wish I could say that it has changed, but realistically, I mostly feel the same way. Obviously a lot has occurred since then, some of it very good, but some of it very bad.. I am posting this simply because I did intend to post it when I wrote it, and I think it is still relevant.

And I say it's Alright

It's been a while since I posted anything, because I am not a dedicated blogger. My life isn't eventful enough to be interesting, and my thoughts are not profound or coherent enough to justify putting them all down. But when I do write, it makes me happy so I will do it when I am in the mood.

I got a job, working at El Azteco. I cook 2 days a week and buss 1 day. Today, on my second day bussing, I did it all by myself for a few hours! It's hard, and the pay isn't great, but I am happy to be employed.

It definitely makes me appreciate getting an education, because I don't understand how people can go their whole lives working in an environment like that and at those wages. I don't mind it now, but that's because I don't have to pay rent or bills or anything.

Lately I've been struggling with the things that I usually struggle with, confidence issues, trust issues, parent issues and school issues.

I'll start off with parent issues. This coming Thursday I may have to come to court and testify so that my mom will no longer have custody. I haven't lived with her in over a year anyway, it's getting ridiculous. I absolutely abhor going to court, more so when I have to get up in front of my mum and testify. It makes me feel sick, but I know I have to do it. Ugh, I shouldn't write about this. It just makes me want to make unintelligible angry noises.

I hate being a teenager. I hope my issues will magically disappear when I leave my teens. It could happen... I guess it's normal to have body issues at my age, so that's really no big deal. It's less common to be as painfully shy and self conscious as I am, but it doesn't effect me drastically, and is not important. My main issues are with other people, or rather, how I relate to other people. Namely, that I don't relate to other people. I've gotten to a point (well, actually I got to this point about 2 years ago) where I am so untrusting, that I don't want to let people get remotely close to me because it makes me vulnerable. It sucks, because I do want to connect with people, but I just end up pushing people away. I will get over this, but for now I can be frustrated.

As far as school goes.. I am an awful student. I love to learn, but I hate to study. I got dropped from my math class, and I'm going to go tomorrow and see if I can get undroppped. I'm doing just okay in chemistry, I need to do better. Art is great, I love my teacher. The fitness class is... boring. I'm afraid that I'm not cut out for it, that I don't have the mental capabilities or dedication to get the education and pursue the career that I want. I want to be an engineer, but I don't know if I can see myself taking that path. Part of me wants to drop everything and just bum across the country, and have a good time. But of course, that's bad for my future..

Today I thought about life, and about love, and about what really matters. I have come to the conclusion that if you spend your life looking for love, then many more things will pass you by. You need to take in everything, and make all the connections - both good and bad, to fully appreciate it. If you're lucky, you'll end up with someone who you can relate too on a deep level. and who you can grow old with. But that is just one part of life, there are so many things to do, and to experience. I think that we have been conditioned to place far too much value on 'true love'. Life is about connections, make them, break them, because in the end the connections you have are your life.

Talk Hard

Age

One thing that has bothered me since I was very small, is the fact that people treat you differently and judge you based on your age and not based on how mature, experienced and intelligent you are. It's reasonable for strangers to do this, for how are they supposed to know, but often enough the people who behave this way know you and should therefore know better.

I've gotten to the point in my life where I don't even want to tell people my age, because once they find out I'm only 16 they either think I'm stupid, immature, or think that I'm too young to hang out with - even if they liked me before they knew how old I was. And on the other side, when people find out I'm 16 and am in college, they assume I must be some super genius nerd and they treat me differently based on that. I don't want people to think I'm immature, or a genius, I want to be analyzed based on who I am and how I act, not based on an arbitrary date that I happened to be born on.

Why does age even matter as much as it does? There are certain limitations I see, for instance, I understand perfectly why the age of consent is 16, or even 18 in some states. I don't think that people under 16 should be having sex, no matter how mature they are. I also don't really like the idea of a 16 year old dating someone say, 26 or 27, but those are both pretty extreme examples. For a platonic relationship, why does it matter at all? When you're an adult it's acceptable to have friends with a several decade age difference, but why isn't it acceptable for teenagers to hang out with 20 somethings?

Age is a number, and in law it is used as an estimate for when people are physically and mentally ready to do things like drink, smoke, vote and have sex. But all of these things come at different times to different people. Some people may not be mature enough until they are in their mid 20s, and some may be mature enough in their teens.

I think the world would be a better place if people were judged at their level of thinking as opposed to their age. Unfortunately that's pretty much impossible.

That's how it goes.

Public Transportation and Mexican Food

Today I woke up, as I do most days. I finished watching the Godfather part II, which was fabulous. At the same time, I completed my art homework. After showering, eating and getting dressed, I went to wait for the bus.

Though I was running late for class, I stopped by Gibson's to buy a kneaded eraser, and ran into my cousin Jared. Seeing people I know at school always makes me happy, especially if it's people I like. Apparently he works at Gibson's, and no one bothered to inform me of this.

Eraser in hand, I set off to class, stopping to appreciate the lime green halls on the first floor of Gannon. I learned that my art teacher had a bone infection, and had to have her toe removed. We had a moment of silence for her toe, and then moved on. I enjoy that class very much, though I am far too shy to speak up in it.

Class got out an hour early, so I decided to catch a bus to Iris's instead of waiting to be picked up. On the bus a boy with headphones sat next to me. After a period he removed his headphones and our conversation went something like this
Headphones Boy: "Are you alright?"
Me: "Ah, what?"
Headphones Boy: "You look confused, or nervous or out of place or something"
Me: -Laughs awkwardly- "Oh, I always look like that"
Headphones Boy: "So I gather you go to LCC?"
Me: "Yup, I'm a freshman"
Headphones Boy: "What are you taking?"
Me: "Math, Art, Chemistry and... PE"
Headphones Boy: "There's a spider on your collar"
Me: -Brushes collar and looks at it nervously-
Headphones Boy: "I think it fell in"
Me: -looks under collar, rather distressed- "Well... it doesn't matter I guess" (by this point I'm slightly horrified)
Headphones Boy: "Haha, so what art are you taking"
Me: "102"
Headphones Boy: "Oh, I'm taking that.. for the second time"
Me: "Oh, neat.."

Well, the rest of the conversation wasn't too memorable, but it was an odd occurrence. For the rest of the day I was paranoid that there was a spider in my shirt.

I got off the bus, and headed to Iris's. Much to my distress, no one answered the door when I knocked, so I decided I had better head back to LCC in case they had gone there to get me.

Almost as soon as I had logged on in the computer lab, Iris showed up. We headed off to El Azteco and ate Mexican food! It was delicious.

Seeing as I'm staying in Lansing this weekend, Iris came over to hang out and we went to the park. Fun times were had, and over all I had a good day.

I've run out of steam, and don't feel like typing anymore.

That's how it goes.

Blogging

I think I've been thinking of blogs incorrectly. Here I was thinking I was a terrible blogger because I can never think of anything to write that would be interesting to anyone else, but I came to the realization that it doesn't matter if it's interesting to anyone else, I blog for myself.
So, if my posts are weird, or don't make sense, you just have to understand that this is me, doing it for me and for no other reason.
A blog is just a way of writing down your opinions, thoughts and feelings in such a way that other people can share the experience with you. The important thing is that you wrote it down, not that other people share it. For this reason, I have decided that I am going to start updating regularly, because I have wanted some time to get my thoughts down in a regular manner.
It will not be my journal, for there are lots of things that I would never put up where other's could read it, but it's the closest thing.
Wish me luck!

That's how it goes.

Life is Alright

It's been almost a year since I last posted on this blog. I'm afraid that I'm a terrible blogger, I never know what to write about, and forget to update. I'm no good at thinking of profound things to write, so instead I'll write about myself.

I'm writing right now, because I am content. I think it is a good time to write, as opposed to when I am happy or sad.

Now, I realize that the only people who are going to read this are people who I link to it, so I should base my posts around the intended audience.

Lets see, since last year many things have happened. I went to Perry High school, joined the debate team and made some very nice friends in Perry. I turned 16, and then stopped going to Perry and (regrettably) stopped talking to my friends.

The custody battle is ongoing, and frustrates me to no end. I mean, can't we just get it over with? At this rate it won't get taken care of until I'm 18. I hate being treated like a child. I have to go to court again 3 weeks from today, and I'm sort of afraid, and very angry about it.

I live in Lansing now, on Hopkins street near the fire station. I'm taking 4 classes at LCC, and am happy to be doing something productive, even if it is hard. Soon I'll be working at El Azteco, which means I'll have money! And less free time..

Most of my time is spent alone in my room because I'm too anti-social to be able to make friends, and the ones I already have are usually busy.

At the moment I am not studying Chemistry, and thinking about going to the park, or at least going and doing something that's not sitting here. I probably won't though.

But, aside from boredom, I am alright. Life is alright, it could be better and it could be worse.

That's how it goes.

The Fountainhead

Well, seeing how my last post was so ridiculously negative, I'll make this one a bit nicer.
And shorter, sort of.
This is the speech given by Howard Roark in The Fountainhead at his trial, and it is one of my favorite pieces of writing ever.
Rather than express how it made me feel, and my views on it I'd rather let others take their own outlook on it.
If anyone reads my blog, comment :]